The hopes of having a live in assistant fell apart in a dramatic way, with me being arrested for home invasion.
After spending 30 hours in jail, and much prayer, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I needed to get out of the brick and mortar game. When I got back I didn't waste anytime. I started to make the necessary steps to close down the two houses. As I write this we are in the process of cleaning out the old Chrysalis House, and getting rid of any materials that we don't need for our primary programming. At first, I just wanted to shut down everything and call it a day. But I realized that was a selfish and self-defeating decision. There was another way. I had been running my youth programming from my house, by myself, without the two houses on the corner, and I could do this again. It would dramatically reduce costs, and more importantly, reduce my responsibility.
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So the hardest part of this project for me is working with others. The goal is to work with people where they are, to accept them even with their limitations, but there is a limit to what is acceptable.
After closing the Chrysalis House in December several new ideas as to what the space should be used for began to emerge. Perhaps a place for student interns? Or maybe it could be used for a live in Community Liason. I put a post on Facebook letting people know that the space was available and we were looking for a live in assistant to help with programming at the Community House. The first girl who applies was someone I already knew. I liked her a lot. She clearly had talent, but she wasn't sober. After 3 days it was clear that she wouldn't be able to stay sober either. I was staying at the house with her, so that she wouldn't be alone, and so I had the chance to participate in the Saturday meeting. I rarely attend this meeting,not because it isn't a wonderful group of women, or that it isn't relevant to me, but because I have made a committment to be with my husband on the weekends. This time together is critical for our relationship. It was a great opportunity to connect with these ladies, and someone I had never met came in. She had a special glow about her. She was warm and open. During her share she spoke about being in a difficult living sitution. She said she was being kicked out of the house she was living in. I went up to her after the meeting and talked to her a bit more about her situtaion. I told her I was looking for a live in community assistant. I told her I had someone already in one of the rooms, but she could take the other. Then I found out she had a son, and a husband who would be coming home from prison soon. I told her to come back on Monday and we would talk. Right away there were so many synchronicities. The timing seemed divine. The match-up of her abilities to compliment mine was astounding. I had so much hope. So after a week of allowing the previous girl to figure out her new living situation, Sarah move in with her son. There were some initial challenges, but things started to work well. We had a wonderful opening week of the Art Garage, and started getting into the groove of the Ambassadors of Kindness. We even started planning an event. The Blueberry Ukulele Fest. I was filled with hope. Then her husband came home. She was elated, and I was enthusiastic since he also had so many complimentary skills. In particular he had skills in the trades. The dream of the first apprentice program began to live again. At first everything was wonderful. Patrick started building out the Art Garage, and it was going well, until one day when I tried to contact him about being on the job, I found out he wasn't there and he had taken the tools from the house. Actually, I had asked Sarah if he had the tools when I noticed they were gone, and she claimed he had not been in the garage and that they were probably stolen when "I" left the garage open. It was Friday and so the kids showed up for Art Garage. I asked them if they had seen anyone take any tools, and they said they had. I was heartbroken. I have dealt with a lot of stealing throughout the 6 years of running the Art Garage and Community House, but it still gets me every time. I filed a police report and moped around the rest of the day. That evening, Patrick and Jack started bringing tools into the garage. Patrick had taken the tools with him to his new job. I told him about the police report and kind of laughed it off. Then he did it again. He took the drills and all the batteries with him on his new job. What bothered me most was that he wouldn't admit it. He kept beating around the bush, and when he finally did admit it he said, "but I didn't use them." So meanwhile, Sarah stops attending any meetings or participating in any programming. I finally have had enough and sit them down and let them know, very gently, that it is no longer working out and they will have to leave. I say I will give them time, but the next day, they have changed the locks and Patrick has written me a text that I will share here: (punctuation is his) Good morning need to go over a few things with you this morning, so there are very strict tenant laws in Illinois. And have already contacted prairie home legal services, for legal help. Like we told you we plan on leaving peacefully so at this point it will be up to you but how peaceful this is going to go you are to leave Sarah and Jack alone while I'm at work really just as a whole All we ask is to be left alone no harassment or bullying we will be leaving as soon as we possibly can if you insist on harassing or bullying us we will be taking legal action if you continue to contact our family our friends and harass us that way or slander us there will be legal action taken. This is not a discussion nor an argument nor how badly you will want it to be you are not to contact Sarah or Jack there's no point in contacting me there will be no more responses we'll be out as soon as we can we are working on. So I ask you please do not push us do not push the issues just leave us alone and everything will be just fine we don't want to be here any longer than we have to but we will not be bullied or harassed or intimidated in any way so stay away from Sarah and Jack do not contact them if you insist on doing so or bothering them we know early go right you might want to look into them and we will be taking legal action immediately we don't want to make this anymore complicated or have any more conflict than is absolutely necessary it is really up to you at this point can you leave us alone can you not be pushy we will continue to pray for this situation and for you. This little journal hasn't been the professional updates of how to create a non-profit like I thought it would be. It is more emotional, and personal. I guess I never was one of those types who thought it was important to maintain appearances. I am a come as you are kinda gal.
So here I am, 3 1/2 years in and I am still struggling with whether to continue. The commitment I am giving myself right now is to stay the course for at least 7 years. Why 7? This is about what it takes to complete a PhD in the sciences. I know I can do that. I did it before, and so I can do this. The negative potentials: My inability to deal with the responsibilities of maintaining the properties, programming, and general paperwork. The strain on my marriage. Financial solvency. My own mental health. The potential for harmful events at the Community House. The positive potentials: Loving connection, positive relationships within the community, hope that the project brings to those who see and participate in it, healing from trauma and addiction, awareness of God's bounty all around. Children playing together, learning skills and about themselves and each other. Adults becoming entrepreneurs and developing financial wherewithall. People sharing their gifts and living their heart's desire. I can go on with the positives and they do far outweigh the negatives. Can I see that a life of service is a good life. I was reading the Epistle of Paul to the Phillipians and it starts off with gratitude for suffering. He wrote the letters when he was in a prison cell, and spoke of how a life of service outside of self was a worthy life. I believe that, and also I know that to completely deny one's own needs is a manifestation of Codependency. Can these two things exist in concert? Can I live a life of service and take care of my own needs? Of course I can. I was watching the podcast Know Yourself with the Guest Michael Beckwith. Find the link to the full podcast here. He states something that I have felt intuitively to be true. That is, that our heart's desires are God's will for our lives. I always say, my heart's desire is God given. It feels so good to follow my heart's desire. It feels right, and it leads me to my higher purpose. It is not selfish wanting, or fulfilling the ego needs. If I follow my heart's desire I will be in service of the whole. I will be fulfilling my purpose in God's plan. What a beautiful life it can be. I know that this vision of loving and creative community--this deep seated desire to participate in life. To cocreate joyful experiences where people come together and share their gifts in the arts. This is my heart's desire. This what I want to do. Yet, it is so hard to get there and I wonder some days if I will ever get there. I remind myself if it ever gets too bad, I can just sell the houses and keep the foundation on the virtual scene. But not yet. I am gunna give it 3 1/2 more years. Half way there! There is something about endings that my spirit seems to loathe. I often skip out on ending activities, or ceremonies. For example, the final climbs on my Outward Bound expeditions I skipped, all of my graduation ceremonies from highschool, college and grad school were foregone. And it seems I tend to fizzle out, or just sabotage the ending of things.
I would like to change that. What is it really about anyway? There is a lot of importance put on endings. Ceremony, praise, you name it. But what is it really all about? From the spiritual perspective I think it is about gathering the energy from the work well done and anchoring what has been accomplished so far. Taking a long jump, putting all my effort into the jump, and before moving forward again looking at how far I went. I need to take a moment at the end, to look at what was learned. Some notes from my personal journal:
Uugh, Monday. I just don’t feel like doing it. Why am I doing this anyway? I am not being paid. Today I am feeling regret for having made these choices in my life that have created so much responsibility, and I just feel like I don’t want to do it anymore. I am getting the dermatitus on my left arm now. Need to do yoga and find ways of releasing this stress. Also, i think it may be something on the sheets in the basement so i am washing them today. I am so tired. It was another intense day. I decided I was going to do a juice fast to help with the rash. God help me to feel like I can carry on. Show me why I am doing this. Help me to see what you see. I am grateful God for all you are allowing me to do. Thank you for bringing these wonderful women into my path so that we can all heal and become who you intend us to be. There is something in the arena of organizational scholarship that is called "mission creep". Simply put, this is when the actions of the organization begin to move away from the original mission.
This can happen for many reasons. New people can come into the organization with their own ideas, and have the resources and enthusiasm to create these. It is possible that new ideas can come in and expand the vision, but when the ideas are out of alignment with the initial vision, this is when they can become destructive to the direction and energy of the project. From the beginning the Community House was designed to be open and receptive to new ideas. One that was brought by one of the first members of the Chrysalis House was that of providing food for our community. Although this did not take form in its original conception, this person helped us get access to food through the Mid-west Food Bank, and we also became partners with Peoria Grown. This addition of providing healthy food to our community has been a great boon to us. We also had outside 12 step groups come to us and ask to host meetings at our site. Both our CA and CMA meetings were started in this fashion. These have been great additions to our focus on healing from addiction. The amazing work of Stephanie Irving in bringing her program Each One Reach One, has now been a staple in our activity line-up. This particular group is close to my heart, since it is welcoming to every walk of life, and is focused on creating a powerful network of support. A true loving community. That is really what the Community House is about. Creating healing from our pasts, and opportunities to step into a new future, with the support of loving community. Loving community, loving community, loving community. That's what it's all about! So it is a sad state of affairs, but absolutely necessary that the Chrysalis Sober Living is now closed. It officially closed its doors to its last resident on the 5th of December, exactly 3 years of the opening. During that time the house served over a dozen women, and one man. These women came in and with all intention, they were embraced in loving support. Nonetheless, the culture of the house degraded until, instead of being a place filled with loving support, it turned into a culture of blame and entitlement. That is one thing that the Community House is completely against. We have no interest in supporting entitlement. We have no interest in creating dependency, and we have no interest in creating a culture of blame and hostility. The wonderful thing is that there is now a women's sober living at New Leaf recovery. This incredible opportunity is now open to women who are seeking longer term support. THe Chrysalis House served its time. This new place is now available and we hope to collaborate and support their efforts. If anything is to be learned from this experience, it is don't be afraid to let go of what is not serving the higher good. By keeping too tight a hold on what is not working, you may be shutting the door to what wants to emerge. Remember your primary purpose, your vision matters. Loving Community is possible. I am looking at this site, and the journal entries. So sparse, but still honest and heart-felt. Kindof like the general participation at the moment.
I am pleased to see that indeed I have been working on the curriculum as I shared in the blog. We have created a number of self-published math coloring books, and have completed the first version of the Ambassadors of Kindness Handbook. Looking back at the mistakes of the past, both in this project, and in my work elsewhere, I can see that what had been a barrier was that I didn't have things clear for others. People had a hard time seeing my vision. Trying to communicate what is in my head has been a process of trial and error. Most people don't think like I do. Most people want to see the plan all laid out, to have a list of things to do. I tend to work in the manner of successive approximation. I have the vision, it is in the distance, and I move towards it one step at a time. I can see when I am going off course and adjust as I go. This is hard for others, because it seems like I am changing the plan, but it is only that the plan is coming more into clarity as we start to move. The choice to publish some of the curriculum has been a step towards making the vision visible. It has also been a joyful experience to see my inner ideas presented on the page. I am particularly excited to start working with our Level 1 Handbook. So beautiful to teach about the power of kindness. https://youtu.be/HXRegy_nyCs?si=ikVq5bIOTG5RtZl2 There has been so much to share, but no time to share it. Perhaps one day I will make more regular entries in this blog. But I will check in, with myself mostly, and to any curious readers.
At two and a half years it is hard to know what impact we are making. Our meeting attendance is still small, although they are beautiful heart-felt experiences each and every one. Our yoga and consciousness explorations is also small, but beautiful. Basically, in general, participation is our biggest hurdle. I have decided to take a step back and start focusing on building the curriculum content. I have a website dedicated to this, and yet I have had no time to work on it. Our main-stay family continues to participate in the youth programming, but only a couple others have joined so far. This is giving me a chance to formalize much of what has been only in action and in my mind so far. This will be something of a gift to the future of the project, since it will help build the vision for new groups to come. The cornerstone of the youth programming curriculum is the Ambassadors of Kindness. This I hope to have fully published by the end of the year. I also hope to make all proceeds from the publications a form of income to the posterity of the Community House. The Conceptual Math curriculum is also an important piece of the programming. It really is a novel approach and I have seen how well it works. It deserves to be shared far and wide. I hope to create a pilot program using yoga and embodied movement on the base 10 circle. This approach is completely unique, but consistent with how the brain works with the basic concepts of math. Using this approach would help to lay down the foundation of basic numeracy that our traditional methods do not come close to achieving. It is truly a gift to our non-traditional learners struggling with traditional ways of teaching. I believe we are here to share our gifts with the world, and the hope is that the Community House will help many people, of all ages, in years to come uncover and discover their gifts, and then step out with courage onto their path. I often ask myself this question. It is not hard to remember why, when I look at the people around me. People who I can see struggling, and who want to live a good life. People who want to make the world better, and people who just don't know who they are and what they are supposed to be doing here.
I know I am not the only one who has struggled with these big questions. We are all looking for answers. In this moment I believe we are here to uplift, to shine our individual light, and spread more goodness. The most important thing any of us can do is spread love. But the problem is that so many of us are hurt and disconnected to our own source of light and love. We are stuck in a swamp of misery, or disconnected from our feelings and the truth of who we are. I still can struggle with these feelings of hopelessness and despair, not nearly as often as in the past. Today, I have found many things that bring me great joy. When I do discover these joyful things, when I feel connected to that source of love, I get the deepest desire to share that with others. That is all I want in the world. The desire to share these feelings is insatiable. My cup over-flows, and I am delighted to find any way I can to share the feelings. Sharing our discovery of ways of making life more loving and good is what we are here to do. This world can be a much better place. It depends on each of us coming to know and love ourselves, and then we can allow this goodness to flow out into the world. We can be the wayshowers to those who are struggling and suffering under the weight of judgment and guilt from those who are unconscious. We can uplift and unburden those who have lost sight of the bigger picture, that we are all children of God, extensions of light-source energy. I am blessed in this life. I have been given an opportunity to know myself, even if it is just a little bit. Now, in my own excitement and enthusiasm, all I desire to do is show others some of the good things I have discovered to help make life more joyful, and bring more freedom to the world. I received a letter from the head of the Rotary Club to which I joined as a means of getting better insights into the work I am doing. I was sitting at the table and someone was talking about Seattle, where they spoke about the way the city was dealing with the addiction problem. Seattle has struggled with Meth addiction for years, since the trend started in the 90s. Right now they have a full-blown crisis on their hands, and this has resulted in the dangerous social experiment: addict encampments, or tent cities.
This is not the solution. People who are making these decisions are not addicts, and clearly do not understand the nature of addiction. They do not know that recovery is possible, and that people have been able to recover from even drugs like Meth and Fentanyl with the right supports. Creating encampments is not a support for recovery, it is support for drug addicts to remain in their hopeless state of addiction. These are not humanitarian spaces of compassion and care, they are death sentences for so many. They may as well be the death camps from the holocaust, for how much misery they house. To recover the addict must completely change; "people, places and things" is the catch phrase in the recovery community. By creating encampments, not only is the issue of addiction not being addressed, we are normalizing the act of living to use drugs. We are enabling this behavior, and saying it is a fine life-choice. But the truth is, it is not a choice for the addict. This is not about saying that drug addicts are bad people, but about acknowledging what the drugs do to the human being. Meth and fentanyl are so powerful, they rob a person of their ability to do anything but take those drugs. How is it doing a favor to someone to allow them to sit in the prison of addiction. God gave us free-will, but the devil gave us drugs which took away free will. A life of drug addiction is one filled with violence, degradation, and humiliation. It is one filled with crime and a desperate need to survive. It is one that robs the individual of their gifts, their reason, and their family. It is the source of a breakdown of our social structures as we are no longer receiving the benefits and gifts each of the lost individuals were here to share. When a single person is lost to drug addiction, the effect ripples out for generations. How can we have lost our sense of values? How can we care so much about a fetus, and be so callous and uncaring to a fully grown human being? Clearly, there is a God given potential in the fetus is to become someone beautiful, and to contribute to the world in a unique and precious way. We can see that truth in the unborn child, and so why is it lost when the child grows up and struggles to find a way in the world? Why are we giving up on all of these souls? They are also here to share their unique gifts with the world. And beautiful gifts they hold indeed. When a person is simply living a life to get drugs, and for no other reason, they have lost their way. They have lost their purpose. They have lost touch with their soul. They are hopeless. They are living in a hell on earth. That is not what we are here for. We are here for so much more, and recovery is possible, no matter how old or far-gone you think someone has gone. Recovery is possible. Believe it and know that each of these people has a life worth living on the other side of recovery, but not in addiction. I feel so strongly that I was driven to share these insights with the Rotary Club president. He shared about a member dying, and her husband being assaulted in the parking lot of the hospital. So this poor man, while in such a vulnerable state was assaulted and had his car stolen. This type of lack of humanity is a product of drug use. LETTER TO THE ROTARY: Thank you for sharing this, especially regarding the assault. That is a horrible experience for anyone to have, but especially someone who is grieving and vulnerable. It is important that we recognize the dangerous path this world is on, especially with respect to the drug situation in the world, and Peoria is no exception. The meth epidemic in Peoria is impacting businesses, families, and communities. However, there is hope here. There is a real potential here to do something about the addiction crisis. We cannot isolate the addicts from the community, that will just breed more problems. My belief is the values in Peoria, and of the Rotary, reflect a much more evolved sense of humanity. I am grateful to be here, and out of Chicago, or other big cities that are trying to fix the problem by isolating addicts in sectioned off areas of the city. These encampments are dangerous breeding grounds for crime and drug addiction. They are places where people have lost their sense of self, and their purpose and direction. We can do better. I came here from Chicago in part because of the recovery community here. Recovery from meth addiction is possible, but it won't be served by creating tent cities, or giving people clean needles. This problem requires a concerted effort on the part of many individuals who understand the struggle. We need to provide a message of hope for those who are out there struggling every day, and to help them find the rooms of recovery. This message was timely as it reached my inbox on the day of our first Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting in over 6 months. We have struggled to get this meeting started, like many other areas of the country that I have had the chance to visit. This drug is so powerful that it is hard to maintain enough sobriety in the community to sustain the meeting. However, we have hope at the Community House. We have two of our residents who have been able to maintain almost 2 years of solid sobriety off of meth, and heroin. They are the examples that the community needs to start to believe recovery is possible. I am grateful to be a part of Rotary, and to engage in the mission of your organization. I am hoping that there is a way to share more about this project of recovery, or to find like-minded individuals who are touched by the issues and want to support a transformation from crime, and encampments to responsible, reliable and productive members of our community. This is a task that seems unattainable, but Peoria is the place where we can begin to come together on this goal. During this period of bringing in the new year, we can reflect on all we have been through, collectively, and globally. Peoria is a great city. It has multigenerational families, businesses, and is truly a representative sample of the United States. What a wonderful place to live, and yet it is a shadow of what it used to be, and it is not what it could be, or should be. Neighborhoods are infested with drugs, and houses and buildings that are in disrepair do a disservice to the beauty of Peoria, or what it should be. I hope that this message finds you well, and that I can participate in the Rotary as a source for positive change in our community. Thank you for letting me be a selfless servant to this town that I have grown to love with all of my heart. Abigail Larrison, PhD, EdD Founder & Director: The Community House Network, NFP www.thecommunityhousenetwork.com |
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