Throughout this trial, there have been thoughts of quitting all together, but something about that doesn't seem right, or fair.

There have been some positive achievements throughout these four years, and moreover, there is so much more to do.  The City of Peoria is an example of what is happening all over our country.  People are fighting against each other, rather than cooperating.  Organizations with the same or similar missions are competing with each other, or acting antagonistically, or working in isolation.

What I learned from this project is that no one can do this type of work alone.  It truly takes a village.  So how can I continue, and expand the vision and work that has been established as I set out in this new direction.

I have had some growth and success in developing the youth programming.  This has been one of the core successes.  Our Conceptual Math Wizards is well established, and wanting to "go out" into the world.  Our Ambassadors of Kindness programming is fully fledged and has the potential to have such a positive influence on our youth who are seeking direction and purpose.  These we hope to continue and expand as the organization takes this turn.

Secondly, the issue of division, isolation and conflict is one that is well worth focusing on.  The need to work together to address the real and complex problems of the culture of Peoria is obvious.  This is something worth working towards.  This is worthy of attention: The fostering of unity and collaboration between the existing organizations.  

These will be the two new central components of our mission moving forward.

Old patterns have a way of repeating themselves.  I tend to see these as powerful fields of energy stuck in my field.  One pattern that I have been battling throughout this project is that of people calling me controlling.

I have heard the phrase repeated so many times now, that I can almost anticipate when someone will say it.  This last time, I even said outloud, "OK, go ahead, bring it on."  And there it was...

The thing about these patterns that can recur in our lives is that they seem to have a life of their own.  Indeed these are energies, or morphic fields as Rupert Sheldrake would call them.  They do have a life of their own.  My goal is to break out of them, and change the field to become in full resonance with my authentic self.

It is interesting that the idea of being controlling is anathama to my core values.  It is completely against the goals and vision of the project.  It is nowhere in my own inner essence.  I desire to see people share their gifts.  I value independence.  The core of this project is based on the theories of Self-Determination.  

When I worked in the public schools, the most common phrase I heard was "You need to control those kids."  And I knew I had no interest in controlling them. I had the interest to inspire them and guide them, and teach them about how they could have a good life through choosing goodness.

And the same was true for all those folks who called me controlling.  I created a space for them to come and heal and discover their path.  But they weren't ready.  My invitations were denied, and eventually the residents took over.  I was pushed aside, and my authority usurped.

The truth is that I never wanted authority.  I had to claim it because people were engaging in behaviors that were destructive.  When I did step in, that is when the title of "controlling" came in and seemed to stick,

But I don't have to give in, and accept a false claim against me.  I can say no.  I can choose to move away from those people and those patterns.  This is the process of coming into greater alignment of who I truly am.  The old patterns may show up, and when they do I can recognize them and say no.

Saying no is my right.  It is your right.  If something is not good for you, or true for you, no matter how many times it shows up, you can say no.

The hopes of having a live in assistant fell apart in a dramatic way, with me being arrested for home invasion.

After spending 30 hours in jail, and much prayer, I decided I couldn't do it anymore.  I needed to get out of the brick and mortar game.  When I got back I didn't waste anytime.  I started to make the necessary steps to close down the two houses.

As I write this we are in the process of cleaning out the old Chrysalis House, and getting rid of any materials that we don't need for our primary programming. 

At first, I just wanted to shut down everything and call it a day.  But I realized that was a selfish and self-defeating decision.  There was another way.  I had been running my youth programming from my house at 800 Thrush, by myself, without the two houses on the corner, and I could do this again. It would dramatically reduce costs, and more importantly, reduce my responsibility.

So that is what I will do.  I have a date.  We were supposed to have a grand reopening of the Art Garage with all of its renovations August 18th.  So that will be the date of the official closing.

Some may feel sad, but I feel hopeful.

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So the hardest part of this project for me is working with others. The goal is to work with people where they are, to accept them even with their limitations, but there is a limit to what is acceptable.

After closing the Chrysalis House in December several new ideas as to what the space should be used for began to emerge.  Perhaps a place for student interns?  Or maybe it could be used for a live in Community Liason.  I put a post on Facebook letting people know that the space was available and we were looking for a live in assistant to help with programming at the Community House.

The first girl who applies was someone I already knew.  I liked her a lot.  She clearly had talent, but she wasn't sober.  After 3 days it was clear that she wouldn't be able to stay sober either.  

I was staying at the house with her, so that she wouldn't be alone, and so I had the chance to participate in the Saturday meeting.  I rarely attend this meeting,not because it isn't a wonderful group of women, or that it isn't relevant to me, but because I have made a committment to be with my husband on the weekends.  This time together is critical for our relationship.

It was a great opportunity to connect with these ladies, and someone I had never met came in.  She had a special glow about her.  She was warm and open.  During her share she spoke about being in a difficult living sitution.  She said she was being kicked out of the house she was living in.  

I went up to her after the meeting and talked to her a bit more about her situtaion.  I told her I was looking for a live in community assistant.  I told her I had someone already in one of the rooms, but she could take the other.  Then I found out she had a son, and a husband who would be coming home from prison soon.

I told her to come back on Monday and we would talk.  Right away there were so many synchronicities.  The timing seemed divine.  The match-up of her abilities to compliment mine was astounding.  I had so much hope.  So after a week of allowing the previous girl to figure out her new living situation, Sarah move in with her son.

There were some initial challenges, but things started to work well.  We had a wonderful opening week of the Art Garage, and started getting into the groove of the Ambassadors of Kindness.  We even started planning an event.  The Blueberry Ukulele Fest.  I was filled with hope.

Then her husband came home.  She was elated, and I was enthusiastic since he also had so many complimentary skills.  In particular he had skills in the trades.  The dream of the first apprentice program began to live again.  At first everything was wonderful. 

Patrick started building out the Art Garage, and it was going well, until one day when I tried to contact him about being on the job, I found out he wasn't there and he had taken the tools from the house.  Actually, I had asked Sarah if he had the tools when I noticed they were gone, and she claimed he had not been in the garage and that they were probably stolen when "I" left the garage open.  

It was Friday and so the kids showed up for Art Garage. I asked them if they had seen anyone take any tools, and they said they had.  I was heartbroken.  I have dealt with a lot of stealing throughout the 6 years of running the Art Garage and Community House, but it still gets me every time.  I filed a police report and moped around the rest of the day.  That evening, Patrick and Jack started bringing tools into the garage.  Patrick had taken the tools with him to his new job.  I told him about the police report and kind of laughed it off.

Then he did it again.  He took the drills and all the batteries with him on his new job.  What bothered me most was that he wouldn't admit it.  He kept beating around the bush, and when he finally did admit it he said, "but I didn't use them."

So meanwhile, Sarah stops attending any meetings or participating in any programming.  I finally have had enough and sit them down and let them know, very gently, that it is no longer working out and they will have to leave.  I say I will give them time, but the next day, they have changed the locks and Patrick has written me a text that I will share here:

(punctuation is his)
Good morning need to go over a few things with you this morning, so there are very strict tenant laws in Illinois. And have already contacted prairie home legal services, for legal help. Like we told you we plan on leaving peacefully so at this point it will be up to you but how peaceful this is going to go you are to leave Sarah and Jack alone while I'm at work really just as a whole All we ask is to be left alone no harassment or bullying we will be leaving as soon as we possibly can if you insist on harassing or bullying us we will be taking legal action if you continue to contact our family our friends and harass us that way or slander us there will be legal action taken. This is not a discussion nor an argument nor how badly you will want it to be you are not to contact Sarah or Jack there's no point in contacting me there will be no more responses we'll be out as soon as we can we are working on. So I ask you please do not push us do not push the issues just leave us alone and everything will be just fine we don't want to be here any longer than we have to but we will not be bullied or harassed or intimidated in any way so stay away from Sarah and Jack do not contact them if you insist on doing so or bothering them we know early go right you might want to look into them and we will be taking legal action immediately we don't want to make this anymore complicated or have any more conflict than is absolutely necessary it is really up to you at this point can you leave us alone can you not be pushy we will continue to pray for this situation and for you.

 This little journal hasn't been the professional updates of how to create a non-profit like I thought it would be.  It is more emotional, and personal.  I guess I never was one of those types who thought it was important to maintain appearances.  I am a come as you are kinda gal.

So here I am, 3 1/2 years in and I am still struggling with whether to continue.  The commitment I am giving myself right now is to stay the course for at least 7 years.  Why 7?  This is about what it takes to complete a PhD in the sciences.  I know I can do that.  I did it before, and so I can do this.

The negative potentials:  My inability to deal with the responsibilities of maintaining the properties, programming, and general paperwork.  The strain on my marriage.  Financial solvency.  My own mental health.  The potential for harmful events at the Community House.  

The positive potentials:  Loving connection, positive relationships within the community, hope that the project brings to those who see and participate in it, healing from trauma and addiction, awareness of God's bounty all around.  Children playing together, learning skills and about themselves and each other.  Adults becoming entrepreneurs and developing financial wherewithall.  People sharing their gifts and living their heart's desire.  

I can go on with the positives and they do far outweigh the negatives.  Can I see that a life of service is a good life.  I was reading the Epistle of Paul to the Phillipians and it starts off with gratitude for suffering.  He wrote the letters when he was in a prison cell, and spoke of how a life of service outside of self was a worthy life.

I believe that, and also I know that to completely deny one's own needs is a manifestation of Codependency.

Can these two things exist in concert?  Can I live a life of service and take care of my own needs? Of course I can.

I was watching the podcast Know Yourself with the Guest Michael Beckwith.  Find the link to the full podcast here.  He states something that I have felt intuitively to be true.  That is, that our heart's desires are God's will for our lives.  I always say, my heart's desire is God given.  

It feels so good to follow my heart's desire. It feels right, and it leads me to my higher purpose.  It is not selfish wanting, or fulfilling the ego needs.  If I follow my heart's desire I will be in service of the whole.  I will be fulfilling my purpose in God's plan.

What a beautiful life it can be.  I know that this vision of loving and creative community--this deep seated desire to participate in life. To cocreate  joyful experiences where people come together and share their gifts in the arts. This is my heart's desire.  This what I want to do.  Yet, it is so hard to get there and I wonder some days if I will ever get there.  I remind myself if it ever gets too bad, I can just sell the houses and keep the foundation on the virtual scene.  But not yet.  I am gunna give it 3 1/2 more years.  Half way there!

I have been working with one family for nearly 7 years now, and the other day I had the chance to see the power of this work.  One of my 'toughest customers' started with us at age 5. I remember when I first met him.  I was out in the yard, and he gave me the finger, and then I heard some crude comments. 

I remember calling out "I can hear you," then I thought to myself, who is this little jerk?

The first three years, I don't think he made it through an Art Garage without getting kicked out for throwing things, language, or fighting.  He would storm off and say I am never coming back, but then usually within a few minutes he would be back.  

The themes of his games and stories had many references to gangs and violence.  I allowed him to express these ideas, and then inserted some of my own. We created a choose your own adventure story.  He would tell me about what was happening and I would write it.  Then he would read the chapter outloud, practicing his reading, and learning about choices.  Each time his character would made a bad choice I would create a negative consequence in the story.  Good choices came with positive consequences.  This is a powerful learning tool, and lends a great deal of interest to reluctant readers.  

The problem with schools is that they don't allow students to express the ideas and thoughts that are living within them.  This leads the child to have to make sense of these troubling thoughts and experiences on their own.  It causes a division within themselves...home is completely separate from school.  

At the Community House Art Garage we are able to allow kids to follow their own interests, and to support their understanding of their life experiences that can lead them to choose positive life-affirming actions.  They can't just be punished.  They have to be given a choice.

Back to current day...this past Friday. I had all the materials out for our activites of the day.  We have a whole new crew of kids.  They are energetic and curious.  They are also quick to fight, steal and show behaviors that need to be addressed. 

This day, I had walked down the street to the 800 house and on my way back I ran into our new kids.  They were shouting about how someone wasted all the cornstarch, and I could see that his sweet face was covered.  I noticed that one girl had a bag filled with the materials for our projects.  I took the bag and scolded her.  I then told them Art Garage was cancelled for the day, and to come back next time.

This is how the boundary gets set that helps to change the behavior.  It is not easy, or fun, but it works.  Their behavior reminded me of many of the earlier Art Garage fiascos.  But this is the nature of the game.  This is as important as the art activities.  If these kids don't learn to regulate their actions, what chance do they have for a good life?  

What made me feel better about the whole experience was the awareness that none of my regular kiddos would have pulled that stunt.  They have learned something.  I am certain of it.

There is something about endings that my spirit seems to loathe.  I often skip out on ending activities, or ceremonies.  For example, the final climbs on my Outward Bound expeditions I skipped, all of my graduation ceremonies from highschool, college and grad school were foregone.  And it seems I tend to fizzle out, or just sabotage the ending of things.

I would like to change that.  What is it really about anyway?

There is a lot of importance put on endings.  Ceremony, praise, you name it. But what is it really all about?  

From the spiritual perspective I think it is about gathering the energy from the work well done and anchoring what has been accomplished so far.  Taking a long jump, putting all my effort into the jump, and before moving forward again looking at how far I went.  

I need to take a moment at the end, to look at what was learned.  

​

Some notes from my personal journal:

Uugh, Monday.  I just don’t feel like doing it.  Why am I doing this anyway?  I am not being paid. Today I am feeling regret for having made these choices in my life that have created so much responsibility, and I just feel like I don’t want to do it anymore.

I am getting the dermatitus on my left arm now.  Need to do yoga and find ways of releasing this stress.  Also, i think it may be something on the sheets in the basement so i am washing them today.

 I am so tired.  It was another intense day.  I decided I was going to do a juice fast to help with the rash.

God help me to feel like I can carry on.  Show me why I am doing this.  Help me to see what you see.

I am grateful God for all you are allowing me to do.  Thank you for bringing these wonderful women into my path so that we can all heal and become who you intend us to be.

There is something in the arena of organizational scholarship that is called "mission creep".  Simply put, this is when the actions of the organization begin to move away from the original mission. 

This can happen for many reasons.  New people can come into the organization with their own ideas, and have the resources and enthusiasm to create these.  It is possible that new ideas can come in and expand the vision, but when the ideas are out of alignment with the initial vision, this is when they can become destructive to the direction and energy of the project.

From the beginning the Community House was designed to be open and receptive to new ideas.  One that was brought by one of the first members of the Chrysalis House was that of providing food for our community.  Although this did not take form in its original conception, this person helped us get access to food through the Mid-west Food Bank, and we also became partners with Peoria Grown.  This addition of providing healthy food to our community has been a great boon to us.

We also had outside 12 step groups come to us and ask to host meetings at our site.  Both our CA and CMA meetings were started in this fashion.  These have been great additions to our focus on healing from addiction.

The amazing work of Stephanie Irving in bringing her program Each One Reach One, has now been a staple in our activity line-up.  This particular group is close to my heart, since it is welcoming to every walk of life, and is focused on creating a powerful network of support.  A true loving community.

That is really what the Community House is about.  Creating healing from our pasts, and opportunities to step into a new future, with the support of loving community.  Loving community, loving community, loving community.  That's what it's all about!

So it is a sad state of affairs, but absolutely necessary that the Chrysalis Sober Living is now closed.  It officially closed its doors to its last resident on the 5th of December, exactly 3 years of the opening.

During that time the house served over a dozen women, and one man.  These women came in and with all intention, they were embraced in loving support.  Nonetheless, the culture of the house degraded until, instead of being a place filled with loving support, it turned into a culture of blame and entitlement.
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That is one thing that the Community House is completely against.  We have no interest in supporting entitlement.  We have no interest in creating dependency, and we have no interest in creating a culture of blame and hostility.  

The wonderful thing is that there is now a women's sober living at New Leaf recovery.  This incredible opportunity is now open to women who are seeking longer term support.  THe Chrysalis House served its time.  This new place is now available and we hope to collaborate and support their efforts.

If anything is to be learned from this experience, it is don't be afraid to let go of what is not serving the higher good.  By keeping too tight a hold on what is not working, you may be shutting the door to what wants to emerge.  

Remember your primary purpose, your vision matters.  Loving Community is possible.

I am looking at this site, and the journal entries.  So sparse, but still honest and heart-felt.  Kindof like the general participation at the moment. 

I am pleased to see that indeed I have been working on the curriculum as I shared in the blog.  We have created a number of self-published math coloring books, and have completed the first version of the Ambassadors of Kindness Handbook. 

Looking back at the mistakes of the past, both in this project, and in my work elsewhere, I can see that what had been a barrier was that I didn't have things clear for others.  People had a hard time seeing my vision.  Trying to communicate what is in my head has been a process of trial and error. Most people don't think like I do.  Most people want to see the plan all laid out, to have a list of things to do.  I tend to work in the manner of successive approximation.  I have the vision, it is in the distance, and I move towards it one step at a time.  I can see when I am going off course and adjust as I go.  This is hard for others, because it seems like I am changing the plan, but it is only that the plan is coming more into clarity as we start to move.

The choice to publish some of the curriculum has been a step towards making the vision visible.  It has also been a joyful experience to see my inner ideas presented on the page.  I am particularly excited to start working with our Level 1 Handbook.  So beautiful to teach about the power of kindness.

​https://youtu.be/HXRegy_nyCs?si=ikVq5bIOTG5RtZl2