Old patterns have a way of repeating themselves.  I tend to see these as powerful fields of energy stuck in my field.  One pattern that I have been battling throughout this project is that of people calling me controlling.

I have heard the phrase repeated so many times now, that I can almost anticipate when someone will say it.  This last time, I even said outloud, "OK, go ahead, bring it on."  And there it was...

The thing about these patterns that can recur in our lives is that they seem to have a life of their own.  Indeed these are energies, or morphic fields as Rupert Sheldrake would call them.  They do have a life of their own.  My goal is to break out of them, and change the field to become in full resonance with my authentic self.

It is interesting that the idea of being controlling is anathama to my core values.  It is completely against the goals and vision of the project.  It is nowhere in my own inner essence.  I desire to see people share their gifts.  I value independence.  The core of this project is based on the theories of Self-Determination.  

When I worked in the public schools, the most common phrase I heard was "You need to control those kids."  And I knew I had no interest in controlling them. I had the interest to inspire them and guide them, and teach them about how they could have a good life through choosing goodness.

And the same was true for all those folks who called me controlling.  I created a space for them to come and heal and discover their path.  But they weren't ready.  My invitations were denied, and eventually the residents took over.  I was pushed aside, and my authority usurped.

The truth is that I never wanted authority.  I had to claim it because people were engaging in behaviors that were destructive.  When I did step in, that is when the title of "controlling" came in and seemed to stick,

But I don't have to give in, and accept a false claim against me.  I can say no.  I can choose to move away from those people and those patterns.  This is the process of coming into greater alignment of who I truly am.  The old patterns may show up, and when they do I can recognize them and say no.

Saying no is my right.  It is your right.  If something is not good for you, or true for you, no matter how many times it shows up, you can say no.

The hopes of having a live in assistant fell apart in a dramatic way, with me being arrested for home invasion.

After spending 30 hours in jail, and much prayer, I decided I couldn't do it anymore.  I needed to get out of the brick and mortar game.  When I got back I didn't waste anytime.  I started to make the necessary steps to close down the two houses.

As I write this we are in the process of cleaning out the old Chrysalis House, and getting rid of any materials that we don't need for our primary programming. 

At first, I just wanted to shut down everything and call it a day.  But I realized that was a selfish and self-defeating decision.  There was another way.  I had been running my youth programming from my house at 800 Thrush, by myself, without the two houses on the corner, and I could do this again. It would dramatically reduce costs, and more importantly, reduce my responsibility.

So that is what I will do.  I have a date.  We were supposed to have a grand reopening of the Art Garage with all of its renovations August 18th.  So that will be the date of the official closing.

Some may feel sad, but I feel hopeful.

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So the hardest part of this project for me is working with others. The goal is to work with people where they are, to accept them even with their limitations, but there is a limit to what is acceptable.

After closing the Chrysalis House in December several new ideas as to what the space should be used for began to emerge.  Perhaps a place for student interns?  Or maybe it could be used for a live in Community Liason.  I put a post on Facebook letting people know that the space was available and we were looking for a live in assistant to help with programming at the Community House.

The first girl who applies was someone I already knew.  I liked her a lot.  She clearly had talent, but she wasn't sober.  After 3 days it was clear that she wouldn't be able to stay sober either.  

I was staying at the house with her, so that she wouldn't be alone, and so I had the chance to participate in the Saturday meeting.  I rarely attend this meeting,not because it isn't a wonderful group of women, or that it isn't relevant to me, but because I have made a committment to be with my husband on the weekends.  This time together is critical for our relationship.

It was a great opportunity to connect with these ladies, and someone I had never met came in.  She had a special glow about her.  She was warm and open.  During her share she spoke about being in a difficult living sitution.  She said she was being kicked out of the house she was living in.  

I went up to her after the meeting and talked to her a bit more about her situtaion.  I told her I was looking for a live in community assistant.  I told her I had someone already in one of the rooms, but she could take the other.  Then I found out she had a son, and a husband who would be coming home from prison soon.

I told her to come back on Monday and we would talk.  Right away there were so many synchronicities.  The timing seemed divine.  The match-up of her abilities to compliment mine was astounding.  I had so much hope.  So after a week of allowing the previous girl to figure out her new living situation, Sarah move in with her son.

There were some initial challenges, but things started to work well.  We had a wonderful opening week of the Art Garage, and started getting into the groove of the Ambassadors of Kindness.  We even started planning an event.  The Blueberry Ukulele Fest.  I was filled with hope.

Then her husband came home.  She was elated, and I was enthusiastic since he also had so many complimentary skills.  In particular he had skills in the trades.  The dream of the first apprentice program began to live again.  At first everything was wonderful. 

Patrick started building out the Art Garage, and it was going well, until one day when I tried to contact him about being on the job, I found out he wasn't there and he had taken the tools from the house.  Actually, I had asked Sarah if he had the tools when I noticed they were gone, and she claimed he had not been in the garage and that they were probably stolen when "I" left the garage open.  

It was Friday and so the kids showed up for Art Garage. I asked them if they had seen anyone take any tools, and they said they had.  I was heartbroken.  I have dealt with a lot of stealing throughout the 6 years of running the Art Garage and Community House, but it still gets me every time.  I filed a police report and moped around the rest of the day.  That evening, Patrick and Jack started bringing tools into the garage.  Patrick had taken the tools with him to his new job.  I told him about the police report and kind of laughed it off.

Then he did it again.  He took the drills and all the batteries with him on his new job.  What bothered me most was that he wouldn't admit it.  He kept beating around the bush, and when he finally did admit it he said, "but I didn't use them."

So meanwhile, Sarah stops attending any meetings or participating in any programming.  I finally have had enough and sit them down and let them know, very gently, that it is no longer working out and they will have to leave.  I say I will give them time, but the next day, they have changed the locks and Patrick has written me a text that I will share here:

(punctuation is his)
Good morning need to go over a few things with you this morning, so there are very strict tenant laws in Illinois. And have already contacted prairie home legal services, for legal help. Like we told you we plan on leaving peacefully so at this point it will be up to you but how peaceful this is going to go you are to leave Sarah and Jack alone while I'm at work really just as a whole All we ask is to be left alone no harassment or bullying we will be leaving as soon as we possibly can if you insist on harassing or bullying us we will be taking legal action if you continue to contact our family our friends and harass us that way or slander us there will be legal action taken. This is not a discussion nor an argument nor how badly you will want it to be you are not to contact Sarah or Jack there's no point in contacting me there will be no more responses we'll be out as soon as we can we are working on. So I ask you please do not push us do not push the issues just leave us alone and everything will be just fine we don't want to be here any longer than we have to but we will not be bullied or harassed or intimidated in any way so stay away from Sarah and Jack do not contact them if you insist on doing so or bothering them we know early go right you might want to look into them and we will be taking legal action immediately we don't want to make this anymore complicated or have any more conflict than is absolutely necessary it is really up to you at this point can you leave us alone can you not be pushy we will continue to pray for this situation and for you.