Half Way There!

 This little journal hasn't been the professional updates of how to create a non-profit like I thought it would be.  It is more emotional, and personal.  I guess I never was one of those types who thought it was important to maintain appearances.  I am a come as you are kinda gal.

So here I am, 3 1/2 years in and I am still struggling with whether to continue.  The commitment I am giving myself right now is to stay the course for at least 7 years.  Why 7?  This is about what it takes to complete a PhD in the sciences.  I know I can do that.  I did it before, and so I can do this.

The negative potentials:  My inability to deal with the responsibilities of maintaining the properties, programming, and general paperwork.  The strain on my marriage.  Financial solvency.  My own mental health.  The potential for harmful events at the Community House.  

The positive potentials:  Loving connection, positive relationships within the community, hope that the project brings to those who see and participate in it, healing from trauma and addiction, awareness of God's bounty all around.  Children playing together, learning skills and about themselves and each other.  Adults becoming entrepreneurs and developing financial wherewithall.  People sharing their gifts and living their heart's desire.  

I can go on with the positives and they do far outweigh the negatives.  Can I see that a life of service is a good life.  I was reading the Epistle of Paul to the Phillipians and it starts off with gratitude for suffering.  He wrote the letters when he was in a prison cell, and spoke of how a life of service outside of self was a worthy life.

I believe that, and also I know that to completely deny one's own needs is a manifestation of Codependency.

Can these two things exist in concert?  Can I live a life of service and take care of my own needs? Of course I can.

I was watching the podcast Know Yourself with the Guest Michael Beckwith.  Find the link to the full podcast here.  He states something that I have felt intuitively to be true.  That is, that our heart's desires are God's will for our lives.  I always say, my heart's desire is God given.  

It feels so good to follow my heart's desire. It feels right, and it leads me to my higher purpose.  It is not selfish wanting, or fulfilling the ego needs.  If I follow my heart's desire I will be in service of the whole.  I will be fulfilling my purpose in God's plan.

What a beautiful life it can be.  I know that this vision of loving and creative community--this deep seated desire to participate in life. To cocreate  joyful experiences where people come together and share their gifts in the arts. This is my heart's desire.  This what I want to do.  Yet, it is so hard to get there and I wonder some days if I will ever get there.  I remind myself if it ever gets too bad, I can just sell the houses and keep the foundation on the virtual scene.  But not yet.  I am gunna give it 3 1/2 more years.  Half way there!