This little journal hasn't been the professional updates of how to create a non-profit like I thought it would be.  It is more emotional, and personal.  I guess I never was one of those types who thought it was important to maintain appearances.  I am a come as you are kinda gal.

So here I am, 3 1/2 years in and I am still struggling with whether to continue.  The commitment I am giving myself right now is to stay the course for at least 7 years.  Why 7?  This is about what it takes to complete a PhD in the sciences.  I know I can do that.  I did it before, and so I can do this.

The negative potentials:  My inability to deal with the responsibilities of maintaining the properties, programming, and general paperwork.  The strain on my marriage.  Financial solvency.  My own mental health.  The potential for harmful events at the Community House.  

The positive potentials:  Loving connection, positive relationships within the community, hope that the project brings to those who see and participate in it, healing from trauma and addiction, awareness of God's bounty all around.  Children playing together, learning skills and about themselves and each other.  Adults becoming entrepreneurs and developing financial wherewithall.  People sharing their gifts and living their heart's desire.  

I can go on with the positives and they do far outweigh the negatives.  Can I see that a life of service is a good life.  I was reading the Epistle of Paul to the Phillipians and it starts off with gratitude for suffering.  He wrote the letters when he was in a prison cell, and spoke of how a life of service outside of self was a worthy life.

I believe that, and also I know that to completely deny one's own needs is a manifestation of Codependency.

Can these two things exist in concert?  Can I live a life of service and take care of my own needs? Of course I can.

I was watching the podcast Know Yourself with the Guest Michael Beckwith.  Find the link to the full podcast here.  He states something that I have felt intuitively to be true.  That is, that our heart's desires are God's will for our lives.  I always say, my heart's desire is God given.  

It feels so good to follow my heart's desire. It feels right, and it leads me to my higher purpose.  It is not selfish wanting, or fulfilling the ego needs.  If I follow my heart's desire I will be in service of the whole.  I will be fulfilling my purpose in God's plan.

What a beautiful life it can be.  I know that this vision of loving and creative community--this deep seated desire to participate in life. To cocreate  joyful experiences where people come together and share their gifts in the arts. This is my heart's desire.  This what I want to do.  Yet, it is so hard to get there and I wonder some days if I will ever get there.  I remind myself if it ever gets too bad, I can just sell the houses and keep the foundation on the virtual scene.  But not yet.  I am gunna give it 3 1/2 more years.  Half way there!

I have been working with one family for nearly 7 years now, and the other day I had the chance to see the power of this work.  One of my 'toughest customers' started with us at age 5. I remember when I first met him.  I was out in the yard, and he gave me the finger, and then I heard some crude comments. 

I remember calling out "I can hear you," then I thought to myself, who is this little jerk?

The first three years, I don't think he made it through an Art Garage without getting kicked out for throwing things, language, or fighting.  He would storm off and say I am never coming back, but then usually within a few minutes he would be back.  

The themes of his games and stories had many references to gangs and violence.  I allowed him to express these ideas, and then inserted some of my own. We created a choose your own adventure story.  He would tell me about what was happening and I would write it.  Then he would read the chapter outloud, practicing his reading, and learning about choices.  Each time his character would made a bad choice I would create a negative consequence in the story.  Good choices came with positive consequences.  This is a powerful learning tool, and lends a great deal of interest to reluctant readers.  

The problem with schools is that they don't allow students to express the ideas and thoughts that are living within them.  This leads the child to have to make sense of these troubling thoughts and experiences on their own.  It causes a division within themselves...home is completely separate from school.  

At the Community House Art Garage we are able to allow kids to follow their own interests, and to support their understanding of their life experiences that can lead them to choose positive life-affirming actions.  They can't just be punished.  They have to be given a choice.

Back to current day...this past Friday. I had all the materials out for our activites of the day.  We have a whole new crew of kids.  They are energetic and curious.  They are also quick to fight, steal and show behaviors that need to be addressed. 

This day, I had walked down the street to the 800 house and on my way back I ran into our new kids.  They were shouting about how someone wasted all the cornstarch, and I could see that his sweet face was covered.  I noticed that one girl had a bag filled with the materials for our projects.  I took the bag and scolded her.  I then told them Art Garage was cancelled for the day, and to come back next time.

This is how the boundary gets set that helps to change the behavior.  It is not easy, or fun, but it works.  Their behavior reminded me of many of the earlier Art Garage fiascos.  But this is the nature of the game.  This is as important as the art activities.  If these kids don't learn to regulate their actions, what chance do they have for a good life?  

What made me feel better about the whole experience was the awareness that none of my regular kiddos would have pulled that stunt.  They have learned something.  I am certain of it.